Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?