A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”