My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
the pigeons are already plenty salty