If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
hey, alexa