Yup.
You Might Also Like
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m confused about plants
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will