Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.