Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The Others (2001)
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.