“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.