The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102