I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
bro what is going on at twitter
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.