Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
my one true gender
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı