Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
You learn something every day
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden