17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Breaking news:
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did