FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”