IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Taking phone security to the next level.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!