Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I think the cat got the dog high.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
This 4th of July, please remember…