5 ways to appear taller
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day