Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.