me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.