[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
You are what you delete.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”