I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
You Might Also Like
plums roundup
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.