[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*