I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.