“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.