Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.