Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.