Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
my favorite genre of twitter
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.