*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
OH. COME. ON.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time