YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.