The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.