David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Pass gas, not judgment.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
the three branches of government
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge