Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
#damn
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest