“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Day 2 of my diet
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
repaired
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?