I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives