To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*