My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours