How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
White Castle for the Win
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”