I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?