Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff