[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
when nothing goes right… go left
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
? 💀
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.