True statement👍😏😁
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.