I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?