[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Doctors texting each other.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.