There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Saturday
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?