So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Hey i am sexy to you now
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station