How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I came this close!!!!
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Dude just wanted a popsicle…