Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.