[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.