Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.