Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.